I hate you.

 I decided for the hell of it to scroll through your blog. I hoped I might find a secret hidden photo of my dad that I didnt already have squirreled away in my little shrine folder of unhealthy buried feelings. 


Maybe I also hoped to find a 2019 post full of regrets about how you lost a child and that you know why. I found you didnt blog at all that year. Not a post full of regret, not a post full of vitriol at the ungreatful brat whose belly you filled for 15 years. Not a thing. It makes sense. Part of the reason I cut you out of my life is because you never did care about me. Why start now that I'm gone? That's fine though. Curiosity, really, was the only reason I wanted to see something. If you had any emotions at all. You don't, and thats fine. 


Whats not fine was your "mom, you're a hypocrite" post. You really are. You havent the vaguest conception of how right your son is about you. How badly you feel now, and about how you want your kids to have the freedom to choose what they like, not be forced by gender norms to like what they are told to. And the hatred bubbles. I've done so well for myself, since I cut you out. I'm not talking about my great job (which pays amazing and makes me feel good), I'm not talking about my incredible relationship (which is the opposite of every ugly relationship flaw I had to grow up watching between my parents), and I'm not talking about how beautiful and sweet my relationship with the family i still have has become. Im talking about me. My whole life i was seething and suicidal. Between constant waves of heavy, suffocating depression and electric boiling rage. All I ever knew was anger and sadness and defeat. I've kicked most of that to the curb. I let go of the people who made me seethe and made me crack. I let go of you. And i was finally free to be myself and be happy. All it took was one blog post to throw me back into emotional turmoil. I am so happy for my brothers and sisters that you have become a better person for them. That you dont do to them what you did to me. And i am further filled with anger and resentment that after years of beating me down and treating me like a freak for feeling the wrong gender, NOW youre the picture perfect supportive parent. I didnt want anything from you but the most basic respect for me as a human being. Dont pretend that "fighting gender stereotypes" is who you are. You are a hypocrite. 

Sincerely, 

A broken trans freak

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